Ups and downs

A patient got to talking to me about my kuspak. Then we started talking about how one of the reasons I really enjoyed the process of learning how to make and then creating the kuspak was because not only was I walking away with the kuspak but I was learning it in a traditional way. I didn't learn from a class, the Internet or reading. I learned it from someone that had gone before me, an elder. I enjoy being brought into the culture and being thought enough of to be taught in that way.

Before that moment I hadn't spoken those thoughts out loud. I knew it meant more to me but I hadn't spent the time to label the feeling. 

The conversation somehow morphed into that patient asking for my palm and sharing with me what they saw for my future. It was completely unexpected. Now- I'm not going to share what was said because I was actually asked not to. I will say this though. I have been feeling a bit suffocated lately and this is why...

I have learned a lot being here. About Alaska, the native culture(s), and myself- personally and professionally. But at the same time, I have been frustrated with red tape at work and finances. Yes, I'm making ore here but the cost of living is significantly higher than most other places. It's more expensive here than Boston and Chicago were and with some Hawaiian patients I have found that its more expensive here than in Hawaii. The cost of getting goods here is pretty outrageous. Gas and groceries... Wow. So saving is hard. The money from IHS (Indian Health Services)  and LRP (Loan Repayment Program) has been huge but in the mean time, I haven't been able to pay as much off on student loans that I wanted. I have a ear left on my car too which is a pretty big chunk of money every month. I'm also have been working on lining up a roommate so we can get a 2- bedroom which will be cheaper. I have a year+ left here (to fulfill my LRP contract, breaking it would be a HUGE burden) and the walls just feel to be closing in on me at times

... So with the walls tight and frustrations high this conversation with my patient was a step back. When they asked for my palm I mentioned that this was unexpected. But what came of it was a bit refreshing. It breathed back some hope that even though I may not be filled with joy and happiness now, it's not impossible. I'm sort of laying the ground-work now for a happy future. 

Ultimately, I'm content with where I am right now. I need to put together a bit more of a long-term plan. A 5 year plan I guess. Maybe a 2 or 3 year plan too. I feel almost silly doing that for myself but I think it's essential to have goals in life. The palm reading was a re-energization that was needed. A spark of hope. So now it's just a matter of continuing to put one foot in front of the next